So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
