I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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