You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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