Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
