so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
