i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
