this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
