Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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