My room smells like vodka and shame
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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