yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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