I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
