I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
