Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
