Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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