She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
And then he peed in my hair
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