SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You ruined the universe
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
