I think my vagina is haunted
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Four minutes until I can fart!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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