FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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