Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
