did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
