Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
