bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
