I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
