Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
