bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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