She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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