I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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