Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
