1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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