wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
