just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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