Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
