i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
