I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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