i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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