Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
