Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
