So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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