I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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