im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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