sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
