My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
