someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
