I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
