mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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