Girls should come with a carfax report
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
