Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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