he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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