Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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