I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
