I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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