no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
