Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
