Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
