A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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