I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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