If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
