He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
