I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
