Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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