You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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