belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
