WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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