I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
